"Daddy can you make me scrambled eggs like when I was little kid? - my four year old daughter
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) April 24, 2014My kids learn a lot of new curse words on mornings when I oversleep.
— Renee (@nayele18) April 23, 2014Bummed Easter is over. Now which candy/gift bestowing mythological creature am I supposed to use to extort good behavior out of my children?
— John (Dad) (@askdadblog) April 21, 2014If I can clean the nastiest poopy diaper with one wipe, why can't I figure out a French braid? Clearly the former is more difficult, no?
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 26, 2014Overheard 3 yo playing with knights: "GUARDS! SNEEZE THEM!!"
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) April 22, 2014Carried my 3 year old for 2 kilometres and she talked about everything in the world except the fact that her shoe fell off at the 1st metre.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) April 22, 2014Spring Break is code for "breaking the springs inside parents that keep them upright."
— charliecapen (@charliecapen) April 24, 2014Having an infant son alerts me to the fact that every man, at one point, has peed on his own face. #awesome
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) April 24, 2014Do you know what's so lovable about toddlers? No, seriously, I'm asking.
— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) April 24, 2014Sexy used to be him bringing me flowers, now it's when he reminds the kids to use the bathroom before we leave the house.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) April 21, 2014Me: "Who taught the baby how to karate chop??"
7 year old: "Not me."
5 year old: "Maybe it was the internet."
— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) April 16, 2014We go from watching Game of Thrones to Madagascar 3 without blinking an eye because we're parents.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) April 21, 2014The 8YO, watching "The Munsters," wonders why I don't take the time to look like Lily.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) April 23, 2014Googling "How the ever-lovin' HELL do you play Pokemon?" soon to be followed by "How do I talk my kid into playing ANYTHING but Pokemon?"
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 26, 2014
My pastor dad has the same reaction to someone misquoting scripture as my 4 y/o to those who mess up Do You Want To Build A Snowman.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) April 23, 2014Is there rehab for people who continue to sing the songs from the Frozen soundtrack long after their children have gone to bed?
— Allana Harkin (@AllanaHarkin) April 22, 2014Can't figure out my 4th grader's math homework, but still know all of the words to every song on "Appetite for Destruction" so it is a wash.
— GoonSquadSarah (@GoonSquadSarah) April 23, 20143-year-old:*hits me in the face with a ball*
Me: OW
3: Think fast!
Me: You’re supposed to say that before you throw it
3: You think slow
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 24, 2014I don't know what's worse, being ordered around by a toddler or actually doing what he says.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 26, 2014"So what do you do in your down time?" -people who don't have kids.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) April 22, 2014My kid did this cute thing where he asked the cashier if she was a lady or a monster, and now we have to buy our groceries in another city.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 23, 2014My son said "Mommy, I love you because you like jokes, love me, are really nice and don't have hairy legs."
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) April 22, 2014My daughter is giving me a makeover. In other words, I'm not leaving the house and now several cosmetics are completely defunct. #parenting
— Hillary Leonard (@thehilljean) April 24, 2014"Mom, can you hold onto these dolls? And don't lose the shoes." #FamousLastWords
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) April 20, 20142yo: "I love meatballs! They make my penis grow big and strong!"
(This was during a lull in the conversation at my dad's birthday dinner.)
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) April 26, 20145yo at bedtime, "Momma, I've been wondering... does Shuggie have any kids?" Me: Your grandmother?? My mother?? That one?
— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) April 24, 2014Bedtime Stall Tactic #205:
The scene: I am rocking my two-year-old before bed.
Kid: "Mommy? I gotta eat lunch."
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) April 23, 2014It's nice to be home, where my son can throw his bedtime temper tantrums in his own room instead of other people's houses.
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) April 27, 2014Read More
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