The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
— Wendy (@maughammom) May 21, 2014My son is insistent on picking out my clothes today. He's either going to be a well-dressed man or a really annoying husband some day.
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) May 28, 2014Kids: why take only five minutes to get ready when you could stretch it out into an hour of pointless torture instead.
— Sara (@soccerskiingmom) May 25, 2014It would be cool if yawning was like strength-training for your jaw. Parents would be able to bite through phone books.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 28, 2014Discovering a brand of cookies that you and your spouse love but the kids all hate is like winning the parenthood lottery.
— Linda in Disguise (@LindaInDisguise) May 27, 2014When they're quietly playing together and not fighting, I start to wonder if maybe I'M the problem.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 30, 2014The best way for me to get my 3 year old's attention is to try and rest for a second.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) May 23, 20144 y/o refuses to learn my phone number because it's "too hard" but can tell you the names & personality traits of every My Little Pony.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) May 30, 2014"Mommy, what does 3 plus 4 equal?"
"7"
"For real?"
"For real."
— Casey Carey-Brown (@lifewithRoozle) May 27, 2014When my kids complain that the internet is too slow, I show them Grandpa's old set of encyclopedias and say, "This was my Google."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) May 25, 2014Just got a note that Disney released their “Disney Karaoke: Frozen” app for iPad today. Not to be paranoid, but I think Disney hates moms.
— Karen Walrond (@Chookooloonks) May 29, 2014You think you live on the edge?Sometimes when I hear, "Hey dad, can I eat this?" from the other room, I say yes.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) May 27, 2014My son asked if I had a "moat button", which I regrettably do not. I would have certainly pushed it and put him in the water.
— Kelley (@KelleysBreakRm) May 24, 20144yo: Dad, I'm saving these quarters for YOU. For a new house.
Translation: Dad get your shit together. I want my own bedroom.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) May 28, 2014You think your day was bad? At least your kid didn't see DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba on TV and say, "It's Daddy!" today.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 24, 2014My kid is playing shortstop and by playing I mean she's been filling her baseball pants pockets with dirt for the last 10 minutes.
— In Tha Burbs (@InThaBurbs) May 31, 2014Daddy, Where do babies come from?
ME: They are ordered on the internet. -- No stork stories here.
— Earl (@a_Divorced_Dad) May 26, 2014Good news: My son can now buckle himself into the car seat.
Bad News: It takes 10 minutes for my son to buckle himself into the car seat.
— The Cisco Kid (@TheCiscoKidder) May 23, 2014Kid: Mom, why are you listening to Dancing Queen?
Me: Because I'm old.
Kid: Good answer.
— MarinkaNYC (@MarinkaNYC) May 29, 2014*drives 15 somewhere, makes turn*
15: why is your blinker still on? OMG turn it off, you're embarrassing me!
Me: ...
*leaves blinker on*
— KCM (@kcmoore51) May 24, 2014Had a dream last night that my daughter finally figured out how to climb out of her crib.
No, wait, that's actually a nightmare.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) May 28, 2014I think tonight's one of those nights when I bake cookies AFTER the kids go to bed...and leave no evidence.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) May 29, 2014“I bet it would be fun to have a miniature person who second guesses every decision we ever make.”--people who have kids on purpose
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2014Before you have kids, ask yourself if you can tolerate all the screaming and crying.
OH, and the kids can be loud too.
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) May 25, 2014My kids spend exactly 12.79 seconds actually brushing their teeth and 2 minutes repeatedly asking "am I done yet?".
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 29, 2014Neighbor: "I don't like to be here at bedtime."
Me: "Neither do I. Take me with you."
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) May 29, 2014That moment when your kid sleepwalks into your bedroom in the middle of the night and bellyflops on your face.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) May 29, 2014Read More
Last Week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week
'Convos With My 2-Year-Old' Tackles Explaining Dreams To Toddlers
