Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

My dad once told me, "Don’t feel bad if you strike out. That just means we can get out of here sooner.” #Dadvice

— jimmy fallon (@jimmyfallon) June 11, 2014

Wife: "Hey, Boone, do you want cereal or oatmeal for breakfast?" Boone: "What do ninjas eat?"

— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) June 9, 2014

I'm, son come and show me how this thing works! "years old"

— Miniwheats (@Miniwheats2012) June 11, 2014

Me: What’s the opposite of tall?

4-year-old: Short.

Me: What’s the opposite of fast?

4: Slow.

Me: What’s the opposite of fun?

4: You.

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 13, 2014

Confession: sometimes I encourage cheating at Candy Land, because it makes the game end sooner.

— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) June 11, 2014

*watches son shoot himself in the face with a rubber band*
*tells wife not to expect any "my child is an honor student" bumper stickers*

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2014

"Stop competing with each other," I yell at my kids way louder than they can.

— Kalvin Macleod (@KalvinMacleod) June 11, 2014

Possible sign that I'm failing as a dad: my son hit me in the groin as a joke & then didn’t get why I was in excruciating pain.
#parenting

— Mike (@MikeDaddyReal) June 9, 2014

I am outraged my daughter was shown The Karate Kid in school today. It was the new one.

— Sisterhood of Moms (@SensibleMoms) June 13, 2014

I already know my daughter's quality of life will exceed mine because she escaped the 6th grade without a perm.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) June 11, 2014

ZOEY: Was the planet Pluto named after the dog?

ME: Yes, they named the planet that’s been around for billions of years after the dog.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) June 10, 2014

X just told me I'm getting on his last nerve. Because I am making him button his own shirt.

— Cheryl P. Stober (@cherylstober) June 10, 2014

Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.

— charliecapen (@charliecapen) June 10, 2014

Just spent an hour attempting to explain to my 3 year the difference between Baltimore and Voldemort.

— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) June 10, 2014

It is so weird that I have a 4yo child. Not because it makes me feel old, but because it’s amazing I’ve kept him alive that long.

— Nate Smith (@bestnatesmith) June 12, 2014

I just saw a family with 4 very unhappy adolescents at a highway rest stop. I've seen my future and it's everything I dreamed it would be.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) June 8, 2014

2yo won't look at me because I just tried to tell her the song doesn't actually go: "ashes ashes, we all freak out!"
Why do I bother?

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) June 9, 2014

I"m taking 3 kids to the zoo. I'm telling you that now in case something appears on the news later.

— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) June 12, 2014

My 10 year-old thinks "WTF" means "Where's the food?" and the day he finds out differently I will take to my bed.

— Jeni (@highlyirritable) June 12, 2014

If you have a 5 year who wipes their own ass, I'd like to sign up for your parenting classes.

— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) June 11, 2014

Toddlers, can't live with em', can't convince them to play in the dog kennel a little longer while you make dinner.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) June 12, 2014

4yo: "(unintelligible mumbling)"
Me: "What?"
4yo, annoyed: "I SAID THAT I CAN'T TALK BECAUSE I'M PUTTING MY CHIN ON THE BATHTUB!!"
Me: "Oh."

— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) June 8, 2014

Parenthood can be described in one word.

Exhaustirewardamnfrustratamazing.

— SHANtilly Lace (@shashaintl) June 11, 2014

Being a mom means there is never enough time in the day and even worse there is never enough sleep in the night.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) June 11, 2014