Hearing your kid say, "The sky's awake...so I'm awake" at 4:45 AM is a clear indication that she needs to stop watching #Frozen
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 20, 2014Being compelled to risk waking your kid to make sure he's okay when he's sleeping later than usual is one of the curses of being a parent.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) July 18, 2014The day you throw away a pair of underwear in a public place is the day you've earned your stripes as a parent.
— Janel Mills (@649point133) July 18, 2014If the definition of insanity is "doing the same thing repeatedly yet expecting different results," then all parents are insane.
— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) July 17, 20141 small step for the baby. 1 giant nightmare for the cat.
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) July 17, 2014My kids are pretty smart for people who have to be reminded to look in front of them while they walk.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 18, 2014That moment when your 4-year-old daughter brings you a cookie from the cupboard... And sneezes on it.
"Here Daddy. Sorry."
— The Godfodder (@Fodder4Fathers) July 14, 2014When making meals for toddlers, I find it best to throw whatever you make directly in the trash and give them a piece of cheese
— MF FairyPrincessRach (@Smooheed) July 15, 2014I'm beginning to think my kids are just using me for the snacks.
— Mrs BJ Hunnicutt (@karlainvt) July 15, 2014Toddler meltdowns - cups of coffee I've consumed = glasses of wine I'll be drinking later.
— Misstlovestrinkets (@mstluvstrinkets) July 15, 20147yo: "I hate long sleeves. Long sleeves aren't even my frenemy."
— Emily Willingham (@ejwillingham) July 19, 2014My near 4 yo just exclaimed to me "leave me alone for a bit!"
Excuse me? Leave YOU alone?
I haven't taken a piss alone in 4 years!
— Emma Jade (@GoneInTheMorn) June 11, 2014Not now, kids. Daddy is busy scrolling.
— Draper (@CallMeDraper) July 20, 2014I wish those older parents who say "Enjoy your children. Those years are precious!" would tell me what kind of drugs they were on.
— So Done Mom (@Momtoteens) July 17, 20146yo: "You are the BEST mommy ... that I have." MOM: winning by default since 2007.
— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) July 16, 2014The shock + horror from my kids upon hearing what a "birthday suit" actually is. Thanks for that one, Katy Perry.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) July 14, 2014I have to remind myself that the way my daughter feels about Band-Aids is the way I feel about wine so I should just let her have them all.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 20, 2014Whine.
Whine.
Scream.
Whine.
Scream.
Whine.
Wine.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) July 16, 20146 y/o: What does sexy mean?
Me: It means Mommy needs to turn off the #bachelorette
— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) July 15, 2014Me: Should we go out or eat our food at home, girls? We're having Chinese food.
Toddler: I don't WANT to eat shiny food!
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) July 16, 2014Too tired to put my kid to bed, and he won't go on his own. GOOD LUCK PLAYING TAG ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP TOMORROW.
— Laurie Kilmartin (@anylaurie16) July 15, 2014During story time, Harlow pointed to a picture of a yellow car. "Taxi!" she yelled. Then, "Mine!" One-year-old and already a NYC cliche.
— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) July 16, 2014It's going to suck when my kids learn to read and notice how many paragraphs I skip in their nighttime storybooks.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 20, 2014Me: Go to bed. You’re stalling
4 y.o: What’s that?
M: It's when you drag your feet so you don’t have to do something
4: Explain it again.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 15, 2014What my kids don't realize is, for every minute they stay up past bedtime I plan to take off their curfew when they're in high school
— Darin McFunkyPants (@darinlovesbacon) July 19, 2014My son just got out of bed to confirm Santa knows we have five children. That kid is a planner.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) July 17, 2014This is my natural state. #sahd pic.twitter.com/00eTMyncst
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) July 12, 2014Read last week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week