*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
"Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"
— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 14, 2014What is it about the phrase, "we need to hustle!" that makes my 4 year old daughter immediately want an Elsa inspired hair style.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) September 8, 2014Dear Nina,
If "not feeling" pants was a good enough reason not to wear them, NO ONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD WOULD EVER WEAR PANTS.
Love,
Mama
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) September 19, 2014I had kids so that I would never forget what it feels like to be ignored.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) September 19, 2014Some days I feel like Oprah.
You get a time out!
And you get a time out!
And YOU get a time out!
— Michelle M (@MichelleMossey) September 17, 2014When your 4-year-old asks if you want to hear the most annoying sound ever, say no. Trust me.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) September 19, 2014Explaining sarcasm to a four year old and other methods of self torture
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 17, 2014I say "Sit...Stay." to my kids more than I ever have to my dog.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) September 19, 2014Traveling with five little kids is like traveling with five little kids.
— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) September 21, 2014The great miracle of raising children is the fact that half the time they are the root of all misery and half the time they are the cure.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) September 17, 2014What idiot decided to call it "a mom" instead of "a glorified butt wiper?"
— Vodka n Tots (@Vodkantots) September 15, 2014Turn Your Fucking Clothes Right Side Out You Lazy Assholes!
-A mom's guide to doing laundry
— JuneBug (@jenyb4) September 14, 2014Hanging my head in shame while I watch my 6 year old try to plug in a book.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) September 21, 2014Much to my 12yo son's horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base's “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) September 20, 20142-year-old: Why doesn’t my little sister talk?
Me: She’s just a baby.
2: Is she lazy?
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 19, 2014Kids: breaking expensive shit since ever.
— ginger b (@Sillygingermom) September 17, 2014Me: Ew. Why is this wet?
Kid: Oh, that is where I am keeping my spit.
That's it. I quit.
— John Kinnear (@askdadblog) September 18, 2014We need a 911 that summons babysitters.
BS 911: What's yr emergency?
Me: I'm gonna dropkick my son & burn all his toys.
BS: Be there in 5.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 19, 2014I know that I'm an adventurous woman because I take my kids out in public.
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) September 19, 2014Time spent complaining about homework > time spent actually doing homework
— Sasha Emmons (@semmons) September 22, 2014*makes peanut butter toast for self
*reflexively cuts into fun shapes
— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) September 14, 2014You know you're a dad when you're out at a restaurant without your kids and you instinctively cut your food into tiny pieces.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 22, 2014"No candy means no candy"
*walks into other room
*sneaks Reese's peanut butter pumpkin
— WineIsMySanity (@sanityinabottle) September 15, 2014I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
I'm hungry!
*eats 2 bites of dinner
I'm full.
-kids
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 17, 2014I've never been released early from prison but I did just get a child to fall asleep an hour before her actual bedtime. Same thing.
— One Classy Motha (@MothaKim) September 16, 2014I should record my cheers about the kids' 7:30pm bedtime and use them as my alarm for the no doubt 5:30am wake-up.
— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) September 17, 2014Parenthood pretty much guarantees that 8pm will forever feel like 2am.
— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) September 17, 2014Read last week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week and browse all past collections here.