Dear Rabbi,
You may remember me -- I wrote seeking your guidance last year about how to properly mourn the passing (from bankruptcy, kina hora) of that iconic Jewish woman's institution, Loehmann's? Well, just when I started planning the unveiling (YES, it's been almost a year, where does the time go?), I woke up one morning and found an email from... you'll never guess -- Loehmann's -- in my inbox! I thought it was a Burning Bush redux or some such chazerai. But then, three days later -- you guessed it, another one! Now, I thought I was really meshugene, like I sometimes get with visions of noodle kugel dancing in my head at around 5:00 on the Kippur. And then, days later, another email, tempting me with bargain basement prices on Fall boots.
Now, Rabbi, I thought Resurrection was for the Goyim. You're messin' with my mind here. Is this a pre-Rosh tease, along the lines of Christmas in July? Like if I'm really, really good at Atonement this year, I'll get my Loehmann's back?
Could it be that Loehmann's has risen from the dead??
But seriously, Rabbi, online shopping at Loehmann's?? All due respect, calling that shopping is a bit like calling matzo bread. What is Loehmann's without the gang dressing rooms, the snaking checkout lines, the bored husbands waiting for hours on the vinyl chairs? What is Loehmann's without asking the stranger next to you in the dressing room, "Does my tush look big in this?" and hoping that she's not saying, "Kinda" because she wants the dress for herself? They expect us to do this in cyberspace?!
Ok, you're on. I'll attend every Rosh service, throw an entire loaf of bread crumbs in the river for Taschlich. I'll beat my chest with the best of 'em and not even take a sip of water on Yom Kippur. I'll drum up every dead relative for the Yizkor.
I just have one tiny request: if the Resurrection is now a Jewish thing, could you please give me back my precious Joan Rivers? Can we talk?
Your devoted congregant,
Julie