Imagine having kids...
Wrong, you don't have time to imagine anymore.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2014Toddlers are great at whispering if whispering means talking as quietly as they shout.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 23, 2014Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 201490% of being the parent of a toddler is spent in the bathroom while she sits on the toilet singing.
— Courtney Christine (@Discourt) October 3, 2014For someone who tried to put his shirt on through the arm hole this morning, the 2yo sure bosses me around a lot.
— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 27, 2014Wait, what's the word for when you feel morally superior to everyone all the time? Oh right, I remember, it's two... as in years old.
— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 3, 2014Explaining the importance of Fantasy Football to a 3yo is about as effective as a 3yo explaining the importance of, well, anything.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) October 5, 2014I should have just named my son DON'T TOUCH THAT.
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) October 4, 2014People who claim that the most beautiful thing to watch is sleeping children have never watched anyone wash their dishes.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) October 3, 2014My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.
— Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014Why is there a harmonica in my house? More importantly, how can I distract six-year-old long enough to "accidentally" break it?
— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) September 28, 2014If you've ever given a kid a kazoo as a gift or party favor just know that that kid's parents hate you.
— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) October 3, 2014My daughter treats me like I applied for the position of mom and she's concerned she's not providing enough work to justify my wage.
— New Bitch® (@BookisherBunny) September 26, 201475% of parenting is just looking for things your children can't find.
— Sam (@sammyj_04) September 28, 2014Things my kids haven't fought about today:
1)
2)
3)
— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) September 27, 2014Kids are like sponges. They smell bad.
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 23, 2014Just saw a cement mixer truck on the street and got excited.
THIS IS WHAT FATHERHOOD HAS DONE TO ME!
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 3, 2014Parenting is stressful because when kids are loud, they're annoying and when they're quiet, they might be about to lose a limb or eyeball.
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 1, 2014WANTED:
Babysitter. Preferably right this second.
— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) October 4, 20144-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014I'm never more productive than in the time between when I hear my kid wake up from his nap and when I actually take him out of the crib.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 4, 2014Pro tip: If one of my kids says "close your eyes and open your mouth", you should never, ever do it.
— Mommyland Rants (@mommylandrants) October 5, 2014Comparing pet ownership to parenting is like saying ownership of a cat is like lion taming.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2014"Look, in just one Phil Collins song you can age 20 years." - me explaining Tarzan to my 3yo
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) October 3, 2014Parents should always tell the truth to their children. Except when children ask how many Indiana Jones movies there are. Then you say: "3."
— Jen Myers (@antiheroine) October 3, 2014Do you like toys? Then McDonald's is the only choice!
- my 4yo trying to convince his brother where we should go for dinner
— Father with Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2014My 9 year old couldn't even take school pictures once she learned there was no valencia filter
— FistFullOfMcMuffins (@Matt_The_1st) September 26, 2014I'm officially the mother of a teenager today. Maybe don't read my tweets for the next 5 years.
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 4, 2014My kids and I just cured the handyman of ever wanting to get married and have children so I'm feeling very accomplished.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 2, 2014Amount of damage will it cause times how long it keeps them occupied divided by amount of alcohol in the house.
- Parenting algorithm.
— Noir (@Go2Slp) October 2, 2014I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) October 2, 2014Read last week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week and browse all past collections here.