Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

I'm going to accomplish SO MUCH today. Haha, jk. I'm not going to accomplish anything today, I have kids.

— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) January 30, 2014

Sunday, we used to be people who brunch. Now, we're people who eat other people's crusts.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) January 26, 2014

My 4 year old asked me if germs come from Germany.

— alyson hannigan (@alydenisof) January 31, 2014

Being a parent is really cool, because you get to tell people what to do. And, occasionally, they do it.

— Southpaw (@_SetTheHook_) January 30, 2014

Never ask your child if she loves you more than television.

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) January 28, 2014

Is it me or does burping a baby feel like russian roulette with vomit?

— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) January 29, 2014

There's almost nothing that can't be blamed on the impending arrival of a 2 year molar.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) January 30, 2014

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him if he has to go potty for the hundredth time today.

— Melissa Sher (@thismelissasher) January 28, 2014

I’m not giving the kids a timeout. I’m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner and being ignored sounds just heavenly.

— Baby Sideburns (@BabySideburns) January 28, 2014

Last year I joined the Parent Committee but then found out what they did so I quit.

— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) January 28, 2014

The best way to encourage your child's dreams of being a writer is to discourage him. Parenting is hard, but fun.

— Li'l Edie Surly (@JennyPentland) January 28, 2014

Pretty sure 90% of the reason my son loves Pirate Booty is cuz of the word "pirate". Which is better than liking it cuz of the word "booty".

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 25, 2014

Son asked what Déjà Vu is like. So I said "It's like when Mommy cleans the house, then minutes later you & your Sister make it dirty again."

— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) January 27, 2014

Before becoming a dad, I never thought I'd ever say, "I use the Nose Frida to suck snot like a boss." But here I am. Saying that shit.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) January 27, 2014

Toddler yelling "FOOK" insistingly during meals. Thought he was cursing my cooking. Turns out he just wanted something to eat it with.

— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) January 30, 2014

My daughter just said the egg sandwich I made her is "too cheesy." TOO CHEESY?! It's been nice knowing her.

— Carabee (@Carabee) January 30, 2014

Composition of Motherhood: 1% making meals, 2% not drinking at inappropriate times, 97% telling people if their shoes are on the right feet.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) January 26, 2014

So I started..."I wanna rock right now..." The boy answers... "I'm Rob Base and I came to get down." My job is done. #dropsmic @Robbasemusic

— Eva Loves (@WhatEvaLoves) January 29, 2014

An actual thing I just said to my toddler and I'm not even drunk: "I let you stay up late so you need to sleep until at least 8am"

— Kristen Chase (@thatkristen) February 1, 2014

"When I have a daughter, I'm going to name her MOM so I can tell Mom what to do. Same goes if I have a boy, his name will be DAD" B, age 9

— Gabrielle Daniels (@AroundTownGabby) January 27, 2014

"Can I watch a show?" "No, it's bedtime." "A really short show?" "No." "Ok, how about just the opening credits of a show?"

— Liz Gumbinner (@Mom101) January 29, 2014

5 year old: "Hi Daddy!"

"Hey buddy, what's up?"

"The ceiling."

"Funny!"

"What is?"

"You said 'the ceiling'."

"IT IS UP."

"Go to bed."

— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 31, 2014

"Mom, what happens if I want to marry a girl?"
"Well, then you marry a girl."

Easiest talk ever.

— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) January 28, 2014