Best Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

"NO NO NO, NOT FAIR"
*cries
*throws tantrum

- Me, after my kids stayed up late last night and still got up at 6am on a Saturday

— Hunter Steele (@FatherWithTwins) February 22, 2014

My 5yo put up an entire basket of laundry by herself. All I had to do was hand her each item and say, "If it pleases your Majesty..."

— Robin O'Bryant (@robinobryant) February 19, 2014

Coming soon to the blog:

"Can Babies Have It All?"

— Daddy'sLittleMiracle (@daddyslilmiracl) February 22, 2014

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

— Teebone (@teeaysmith) February 16, 2014

Telling the kids about an early morning appt, the day before, is a good way to have no affect at all on the speed of their preparations.

— Carisa Miller (@mcarisa) February 17, 2014

My son's nap time is the weekend of my day.

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) February 20, 2014

The best way to prepare for Parenting is to have employment history being a waiter, a maid and a private investigator.

— Faux Ma (@Faux_Ma) February 21, 2014

Note to my children in the future: When I made anything other than chicken nuggets or mac & cheese you would both literally cry. That's why.

— Amy Shearn (@amyshearn) February 21, 2014

"We're hungry!" "Dinner time! Dinner time! Dinner time!" "Yuck, it's cold."

— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) February 16, 2014

I like to coax my son into eating food by eating all of his food.

— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) February 21, 2014

I was going to eat some of my daughter's apple slices but she sneezed on them so I ate chocolate instead because I'm health-conscious.

— Wendy (@maughammom) February 19, 2014

If the 3yo's card counting skills are anything like his raisin counting I'm taking him to Vegas. He was right, one less than his brother.

— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) February 21, 2014

PILOT: We are landing in NY. 4YO: That's where WE'RE going! (As if it was a total coincidence the plane was heading to the same place.)

— Ilana Wiles (@mommyshorts) February 19, 2014

5 yr old daughter "Mom, I can say the alphabet backwards, watch!!!!! Z." Can't figure it out, says nothing else, walks out of room.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) February 16, 2014

What my kids use as a trampoline:

1) the couch

2) the bed

3) me if I lie down

What they don’t use as a trampoline:

1) our trampoline

— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 21, 2014

6: We did a lot of exercises in gym for a test.
Me: Was it the President's yearly fitness test?
6: I don't think so. I didn't see him there.

— Viva La Moi (@vivalamoi448) February 20, 2014

Not now, kids.

Mommy's busy second guessing her imaginary decisions.

— Peach Vodka (@Vodkantots) February 15, 2014

Need a laugh? Have your three year old start a random conversation with Siri. You're welcome.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) February 17, 2014

"Daddy, what's an asshole?" "It's a nest of vampire donkeys living underground in a hole." #emergencyFutureAnswersForAccidentalCursing

— Adam Mordecai (@advodude) February 18, 2014

Instead of using a house alarm just make a doormat out of your kid's Lego blocks.

— Outsmarted Mommy (@outsmartedmommy) February 21, 2014

it's hard to teach your kid patience when he keeps fucking interrupting you

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 18, 2014

Fatherhood is 80% trying not to get kicked, elbowed, kneed, or punched in the balls by your own kids.

— BackpackingDad (@BackpackingDad) February 22, 2014

My aha moment:

Me: "I need a break for a minute."
5: "But it's my job to entertain you."

She doesn't understand her job description.

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) February 17, 2014

"Me need paci, me need candy" was on constant repeat in my car today. Me need headphones.

— Toulouse (@toulouseNtonic) February 19, 2014

By 7pm anything I ask my kids to do is followed by a silent "and for the love of the last shred of my sanity, just do it without complaint."

— LetMeStartBySaying (@LetMeStart) February 21, 2014

There's a kid cuddling with me... it's great and all but how am I supposed to get my wine glass refilled?!

— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) February 20, 2014

Friday night on the town didn't always include so much time at Target.

— whithonea (@whithonea) February 22, 2014

Moving along....why has my son peed on me three days in a row. I give up!

— Tamera Mowry-Housley (@TameraMowryTwo) February 19, 2014