I mean, if there is a watch that is a phone, why the hell can't pacifiers be remote controlled or at least come with tracking chips?
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) September 12, 2014Toy surgeon. Part of the dad job description I didn't know about....
— The Dadinator (@dadinating) September 12, 2014Toddler. Definition: a tiny, lawless person who you want to strangle and snuggle simultaneously.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) September 13, 2014It took a whole ten minutes for 3yo to be "very angry" at me this morning. I'm kinda proud of myself.
— Super Mom (@Supermom2rescue) September 11, 2014I just need a quick sip of water, so let me fill this giant cup all the way up to the tippy-top to the rim.
- kids
— AnotherBottleofWhine (@KateWhineHall) September 12, 2014What do you have in your mouth? Wait, is that dog food?! Is he eating dog food? HEY GET BACK HERE!!
-A memoir
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 13, 2014it's hard to teach your kid patience when he keeps fucking interrupting you
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 8, 2014Who taught my daughter to freak out over every little thing that doesn't go her way?
Oh shit, it was me, wasn't it?
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 11, 2014khakis for the cool dad? PLEATS BY DRE
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) September 13, 2014Whenever I talk to my 3yo daughter on the phone, I feel like I'm talking to the drunk dude at the bar.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 13, 20145-yr-old types "kmnfwczatyoplae" into a text document, points to it and says, "That's Spanish for 'I don't like green beans.'"
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) September 10, 20145yo asked what a step-dad is, so I just explained why I have 2 sets of parents. His follow-up: That was long. How do they make eyeballs?
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) September 13, 2014Glad my husband didn't hear my 5yo call his Atari shirt "Dad's Tahari shirt" a little while ago. Weep, ye gods of the eighties. Weep.
— Naps Happen (@NapsHappen) September 11, 2014Daddy, why does that singer want sugar poured on him?
— James (@JamesHudyma) September 12, 2014The 6YO wants me to watch everything she does on the iPad instead of staring at it and ignoring everyone around her like a normal person.
— Suburban Snapshots (@SuburbanSnaps) September 7, 2014You can get your child to eat stuff he doesnt like by disguising it as stuff he likes, so I'll keep insisting this pureed spinach is an iPad
— The Ugly Volvo (@theuglyvolvo) September 9, 2014There's nothing like the feeling of hitting send on an email to your kid's teacher and then realizing you accidentally wrote "xo" at the end
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) September 8, 2014My mom loading my kids up with candy just before I pick them up, is her passive aggressive way of thanking me for being an asshole as a kid
— Perfect Mess (@XOperfectmessXO) September 14, 2014Used to have sex in the afternoon to keep it from my parents..
Now it's to keep it from my kids.
— Valerie (@MissvalCa) September 11, 2014My 5yo just got a haircut so he basically looks like he can buy beer without getting carded now.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) September 11, 2014Everyday: "you can't have ice cream until you finish your hotdog"
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) September 13, 2014Is it too much to ask for my son to put ME to bed for once? I won't struggle in the slightest, believe me; I'm almost 40.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 7, 2014"Did you boys brush your teeth?"
"Yes" in unison.
"Let me clarify..did you brush them tonight?"
Every damn night.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) September 10, 2014It's Friday night, the kids are in bed and the carpet shampooer is filled to the brim. Who's ready to party!?
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) September 12, 20144-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2014Parents that step on tiny Lego heads in a darkened bedroom and manage not to scream and wake sleeping children are the real heroes.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 11, 2014Thumping.
Giggling.
Headboard hitting the wall.
These are the sounds of a college co-ed dorm room or my kids not sleeping.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 12, 2014safe non-habit forming tranquilizers for babies
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 8, 2014sorry thought this was google, disregard (tired)
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 8, 2014Read last week's Funniest Parenting Tweets Of The Week and browse all past collections here.